In this world there are two types of people: muggles and wizards.
You become a wizard when you “wake up.” When you endure a sort of spiritual crisis that changes your life.
I had my “existential crisis” about three weeks before graduation. Everything I thought I knew about myself went out the window. Once so sure of myself, I suddenly had no idea where to begin in life. It was a perfect storm: leaving the structure of high school behind for the great big world, reading self-help books, and meeting the right people to guide me. I started questioning everything I had been conditioned to believe. Did I really want to go to college? Why was I even going to school? Did I actually want to harvest mangoes in South America and become a jungle lady for the rest of my life? It was the first time I started considering all this. And for the first time, it was all in my hands. I had to make the next move.
So, I registered for yoga teacher training and withdrew from college until I decided what I wanted to study. Like, really decided. Month after month of yoga teacher training flew by, and each session I would come home a teary-eyed mess. “Being self-aware is so goddamn exhausting!” I would complain. A spiritual journey is not what it’s cracked up to be. There’s a lot of chaos and self-realization and breaking habits you didn’t even know were there. And the more I learned about the principles of yoga, the more I wanted to improve myself.
All the while, I sampled classes at community college to “find my passion.” Funny story, too: once I took the pressure off myself to “choose a major” and whatnot, I sort of decided…? Right. So after a couple months, I knew. I just knew.
(More on that in the future. Imma keep y’all on your toes for a bit.)
I guess what I’m trying to say here is, once you become aware of the fact that this is your life to live your own intentions, there is no way to turn that off. Sometimes I think about how much easier life would’ve been if I never went through this transformation. I like to think I’d be blissfully unaware. Why couldn’t this have waited until I turned forty? Why now?
I don’t know the answer to that. And everything about the past six months has been so hard to explain. I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere, but nothing about life after high school has been “easy.” It’s the first real step into adulthood and we’re all going through different things. This was just my story, but there are thousands of others.
I hope that made at least a tiny bit of sense. This entire post probably sounds like one massive acid trip so I’m going to end it here and I love you guys.